Where is the Good in Living When All That You Loved is Gone

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Surrounded by this shallow, glossy society we develop a shallow side, too, and we become attracted to fluff. But along with developing my superficial side, I always nurtured a deeper longing, so even when I was falling into the trap of that other kind of love, I was hip to what I was doing. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.

With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. A painter does a painting, and he paints it, and that's it, you know. He has the joy of creating it, it hangs on a wall, and somebody buys it, and maybe somebody buys it again, or maybe nobody buys it and it sits up in a loft somewhere until he dies. He painted it and that was it. All Quotes Add A Quote.

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This can occur over a single or multiple lifetimes. They are a manifestation of the unconscious wounds of your past that arise as triggers based on the unconscious choice you made in choosing your partner. Your take away, for now, is that there is meaning in your choice of partner. You chose each other for a reason. Julie, a self-professed lover of the arts, impulsive, social, creative and dynamic by nature. Sam, a bit more cautious, reserved, introspective and analytical. He was attracted to her quick wit, charm , ability to be instantly vulnerable and affectionate and caring demeanor.

She was infatuated by his strong, reflective nature, knowledge of a vast range of topics. He was well-traveled and everything about him seemed to spell stability. All that was two years ago.


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Now, just as they are about to take the next step, Julie has serious doubts about Sam. She wonders if she will be okay living with someone a bit "stiff" and "non-spontaneous". Although she still admires his thoughtfulness and loyalty, she longs for him to be a bit more fun and energetic about their relationship, perhaps try new hobbies and be more willing to spice up their sex life. Is he the guy for me? The back-story to Julie and Sam is that they both come from very different families and styles of parenting.

Julie's family was a safe, carefree, creative place where the world seemed to be her oyster and life was always about trying something new and different. Sam, on the other hand, came from a family that has inherited strong values surrounding work, and leadership. Both his parents were lawyers, perfectionists by nature and demanded a great deal from all their kids. As a result, Sam tried hard to fit in with their expectations and abandoned his natural curiosity and playfulness about things. In choosing each other as partners, Sam and Julie had unconsciously also chosen disavowed parts of themselves in each other.

But in living their day to day lives, Sam was frequently annoyed by Julie's changing plans at the last minute, inviting people over to their place without checking with him first, having no set schedule for the day, and prioritizing her feelings in making important choices. Sam and Julie, could very well call it quits and decide that they are very different in personality to be compatible.


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Or Sam and Julie could each do their work with help if needed to determine and understand themselves a bit more, and also what is triggered in them by the other and where this may be emerging from. This would be Step 1 which can occur when the relationship is safe free from abuse and when both partners want to work for the betterment of the relationship. One person choosing to be in a relationship is not a relationship. Step 2 would be seeing the relationship as the area of overlap between you and your partner.

Ones that you both are equally responsible in co-creating. Therefore, there is no room here in finding fault, assigning blame and being self-righteous. We all have to eat humble pie in acknowledging both our conscious and unconscious contributions to the relationship and resolve to jointly work on it.

Column: How do we get over losing the love of our life?

This may include calling upon the conscious brain to communicate needs and expectations clearly and kindly, so we can learn to love the other and be loved in turn. Those of you who have been previously divorced and re-married or started a relationship may also see a pattern emerge in terms of familiar conflict coming up or different conflict coming up. The bottom line is that in any relationship including romantic ones the universe will keep finding a way to bring your conflict to you as an opportunity for resolution.

If you choose to stay together and make it work which I hope you are inspired to do , it won't be easy. But have hope, it is possible. Mikulincer, M. Realizing that the love is gone from a relationship can be a very unsettling, hurtful, and otherwise disappointing part of life. This is especially applicable if someone has spent years and years with someone and feels deeply and emotionally invested in the relationship. In many cases when one or both parties have determined that feelings of love and affection are gone, they may decide that the relationship has run its course and that moving on is the appropriate next step.

However, not everyone chooses to go down this path. Some people determine that their relationship is worth saving and feel the inclination to take whatever steps are necessary to restore the love. Relationship counseling is often the choice of action as it is usually helpful to have an objective third party provide feedback on the unhealthy aspects of the relationship and provide suggestions for improvement.

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Often, one partner may be more committed than the other to save the relationship, so it is crucial that both partners share their feelings and are honest with each other about how much they are willing to invest in improving the relationship. Just because a relationship ends does not mean that there is anything wrong with either partner or that time spent in the relationship was wasted. We learn from our relationships that do not work what we want from future relationships and we learn more about who we are. The feelings of sadness which often come after the closure of certain relationships is normal.

This is especially true when a long-term relationship ends.

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However, regardless of the quality, extent, or longevity of the partnership, getting on with life is still a critical step that each must take after realizing that the love in a relationship is over. The inability to move on often has damaging emotional, mental, and even physical impacts. Life does not end simply because the love is gone in a relationship.

Recognizing the warning signs and taking the appropriate course of action can lead to much more positive and healthy outcomes than staying in an unhappy relationship or leaving without support or a plan. If you are not sure what you want to do in your relationship, or you would like to work with your partner to make your relationship healthy again, you can do so with a therapist on BetterHelp by clicking here. This site requires anonymous cookies and third party services to function properly.

This site may store and process health related data for the purposes of providing counseling and related services. To continue using BetterHelp, you must consent to our Privacy Policy. You can opt-out at any time. The Importance Of Recognizing The Signs of Lost Love Despite the importance of recognizing the signs of when love has left a relationship, it often isn't easy to identify or admit.

Contentment When They're Absent One of the most obvious indicators that love is gone is the feeling of contentment or relief when the other person in the relationship is absent. Source: pixabay.